Books 'n' Bytes Author Interview

Colin Bateman is a wonderful writer. He's also very funny and quick. And while he doesn't have time to do a column of his own, he is willing to answer questions we send him. So instead of a Colin Bateman column, we give you the never ending interview conducted by myself and Jennifer Jordan. If you visit his author page here on booksnbytes you can see just how many wonderful books he's already written. You can also use the links to get your very own copies. If you enjoy his answers, you'll love his books!
Jon

August 7th, 2003----------

JON: Do you think Nicholas Cage should be making a lot more movies, or should he be forced to retire?

COLIN: I think you're being cruel to a young man who has obviously had more than his share of traumas - he lost his arm early in life (didn't stop him getting that part in Moonstruck) and was still called up to fight the Japanese in Windwalkers though he clearly couldn't hold a gun. Sorry, did I say Windtalkers, I obviously meant Shitetalkers. And it can't be easy being Francis Ford Coppola's nephew - how'd you like to have to live up to that? And marrying Lisa Marie Presley, proof that true love does exist plus you get to here all the insider gossip about Elvis....

JON: Can you think of any rules of the road that don't exist but should?

COLIN: No, but be warned against ever getting in a car with me. My dad taught me to drive, except he learned how to drive in the army, and that was driving a tank in the Second World War; and he drove in exactly the same manner after the war and taught me all the subtleties you need to know when you're driving a tank. CRUSH! CRUSH! DESTROY! INDICATE!

JON: Are there any fashions that should not come back in style?

COLIN: Flared trousers were never in style, although that didn't stop a large proportion of the population wearing them. I'm from the punk rock generation, so drainpipe trousers remain the norm. That said, although I'm from the punk generation I'm also from a nice middle class town so that I would have had spiky hair and a safety pin through my nose, but mummy wouldn't let me.....

JENNIFER: If Diamonds are a girls best friend, what are a boys best friend?

COLIN: Girls wearing diamonds, and nothing else. Naturally.

JENNIFER: Jim Morrison - demi-god genius? just another rock star? very stinky, acid-invoked ass?

COLIN: I think if you're a teenager just discovering him, he's a bit of a God, some great songs, good lyrics and a brilliant performer, but we should leave it like that. Now he's just part of rock history, we shouldn't spend all our time analysing his poetry. I mean, he was really only a kid who drank and drugged too much, and have you ever tried listening to a profound drunk? Bores the arse off you. If you want to analyse any poetry, analyse mine. There was a young lady from.....

JENNIFER: What is the most embarrassing album in your collection that you still listen to?

COLIN: Is that not a contradiction in terms? Well - maybe not. The first two singles I ever bought were Crazy Horses by The Osmonds and I Just Can't Help Believing by Elvis Presley, which are both wonderful. The first album I ever bought (I was about thirteen) because it was number one and therefore MUST BE GOOD was Frampton Comes Alive. Listened to it once and have never played it since - discovered punk rock a couple of months later and NEVER LOOKED BACK

JENNIFER: What is one the record player/in the CD player right now?

COLIN: Well this IS a bit embarrassing because the CD in my player right now is `Divorcing Jack`. When they were making the movie of Divorcing Jack they asked Joe Strummer to write a title track. he recorded a rough demo of it and played it for the producers - and they turned it down. But as I was the world's greatest Clash fan - and still am - I wrote a begging letter to Joe asking for a copy of the tape. And he sent it, and a nice letter - this was like Elvis or The Beatles writing me my own song. Of course the first thing I did was try to copy it - and being a technical moron I came within two seconds of taping over it. On the original tape there's now several seconds of REM, but luckily I caught it before the song started. Fast forward five years and Joe Strummer dies suddenly - I get the tape out and play it to death and realise it's starting to deteriorate. So just last week I finally found a friend who could transfer cassette tape to computer to CD (again, I'm a technical moron) and low and behold I have a CD of Joe singing my song. It's rough and scratchy and not in his key, but it's MINE. Previously I wouldn't let anyone else hear it or borrow it because I didn't want it copied or stolen or to appear on the internet or be sold for thousands, but I'm a bit more relaxed about it now. Joe's dead and I want people to hear the song, and how good he was.