Jennifer:  What is noir?

Colin: Noir is the shorthand term for `Northern ireland` which has been applied to a particular style of fiction which blossomed here before the Second World War in our church magazines. Because these had previously featured church sermons they were commonly known as `pulpit` magazines, later shortened to pulp. Leading exponents of this pulp fiction included Jimmy Joyce, whose seminal murder mystery `Finnegan`s Wake` was written entirely in Gaelic, and then translated so badly back into English by the famous `Blind Drunk` Willie McShoe that it made no sense whatsoever; and also W.B. `Warner Brothers` Yeats whose comic verses and limericks had them rolling in the aisles before he was snapped up by a visiting American film producer.. Although neither Joyce or Yeats made it in Hollywood, they exerted a major influence over a struggling author and part-time Shakespeare impersonator Dashiell Hamlet and studio lighting chief Raymond Chandelier who went on to produce their own somewhat inferior versions of `noir` fiction.

Jennifer:  Is the publishing industry headed towards the same pre-packaged one-hit wonderdumb of the music industry?

Colin: I certainly hope so, as long as it's my book that's the one hit wonder. That's all it takes. One book. One little book. How hard can that be?

Jennifer:  When is the last time you cried during a movie?

Colin: `The Hours` - it was so bad, I just wept with frustration. They should have called it `The Years`.

Jennifer:  What was your favorite toy when you were a toddler?

Colin: My late father's razor blade.

Jennifer:  Who would you most like to interview?

Colin: I have no interest in interviewing anyone, but I wouldn't mind having a drink with Bruce Springsteen, Johnny Rotten and JK Rowling. Although not at the same time.

Jennifer:  What did you do on your first date?

Colin: I was so nervous, we went to a restaurant and instead of ordering `roast turkey` it came out as
`raw storkey`. Apart from that, none of your damn business.